If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you. - Unknown
So, if you read part 1 of my Anxious vs Avoidant Attachment style blog, you now know which Attachment Style you resonate with and have to work on.
The healing journey has no magical button that you can just press then everything magically disappears, and you are instantly healed. Remember the trauma and coping mechanisms that you adopted over the years were deeply engraved into your sub-conscious mind. So, whenever someone triggers you, your first response will be from that Attachment Style. Yet, the more you heal the next time you do get triggered you'll react from a healthier viewpoint and will be able to handle situations and relationship issues much better.
As a coping mechanism The Anxious Person is used to cling to someone. They avoid their own needs and feel that as long as they can meet the other person's needs, they'll be happy. They'll be fine. They'll basically give to the point where they neglect themselves.
Because this is a fearful pattern.
The Avoidant Person (Not realizing it.) They feel repelled by the anxious person. They'll feel like for some reason they can't be around the anxious person. They need to get away.
What's happening is the avoidant person is fearing, on a sub-conscious level that they'll be engulfed/smothered by this love.
But really, it's not love. It's fear.
The anxious person by giving thinks it's love, because that's what they learned as a child. But that's not love. That's actually fear. It's a coping mechanism. Because the anxious person is void of love themselves.
So, the anxious person thinks that in order for them to feel love from you they need to give more. Therefore, it's important to learn how to meet your own needs first. If you do this, you won't need it from others.
Love is giving without the expectation of receiving something in return.
The avoidant person can feel this. That's why they'll always say. They feel overwhelmed. They can't meet the anxious person's expectations. Yet, the anxious person will say they have no expectations. This expectation is sub-conscious, the anxious person is often unaware of it themselves.
The avoidant person learned from a young age that whenever they ask to get their needs met, the majority of the time they won't be met. So, they become independent and believe that they need to meet their own needs. That is why the avoidant person sees needing something from someone else as being needy/clingy.
The avoidant person is saying = You're needy.
The anxious person is saying = You keep running. I need your love. Give more to me. You're selfish.
Both of them are in dynamic together. To actually learn how to be whole.
The strengths the avoidant person learned through their trauma, is what the anxious person is lacking and vice versa. What the anxious person is best at is vulnerability, they know how to sit in their emotion, is able to show up and they feel comfortable expressing their emotions. Yet, the avoidant attachment never felt safe to do so.
Both need to heal. Both need to do the work. That's how they'll be able to heal the connection and make the relationship work.
Spiritually, it's all just fear. You don't need to change another person. However, do set boundaries and do express your needs. Just don't sit in a connection, because you think that will heal the void within yourself. It won't. I do feel compelled to add that as a married couple, the choice of leaving the connection should never be taken lightly. The two of you were brought together for a reason. So, if you still go through the avoidant, anxious dance. Whichever attachment style you resonate with. Heal yourself. Find love within yourself and when you feel that fear within yourself, do find a healthy outlet for yourself. Find your own life purpose and pour your heart and soul into it. If that is loving your children, doing art, singing, being a leader at church, doing well in your career. Whatever you feel the most joy doing, do more of that. Let your life partner be, allow them to find their own healing. When you heal yourself, energetically you automatically shift the dynamic of the connection. It all starts with you!
When you start to meet your own needs, you'll be less anxious and less avoidant in connections. So, your connections will be healthy. At the end of the day, it's about FEAR VS LOVE.
Healing = Wholeness
Become whole within yourself and it will reflect in all areas of your life. The more you heal, the next time you see someone acting from a wounded place you won't feel triggered by them. You'll rather feel compassion towards them, and you'll understand that person better. That's when you truly unlock unconditional love.
Good luck on your healing journey.
Written With So Much Love By: Nadine van Rayner
Follow Me For More Inspiration & Motivation On Instagram: @thoughts.of.a.woman1111
Here's To Learning, Growing & Evolving Together.
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